Hey there, Reader
You've seen it. So many movies and TV portray "normal" sex as spontaneous hot passion that always ends in a simultaneous orgasm. The couple collapses in a pile of bliss, both satisfied and happy.
How many times has this happened for you in real life?? Once, a few times, never?!
You are certainly not alone. This is partly because every person is wired differently when it comes to their desire framework, which is how you experience and express sexual interest and arousal.
The common cultural belief that "normal" sexual desire is what's called spontaneous desire. This is what we commonly see in movies and TV! Spontaneous Desire means highly reactive to sexual cues and quickly ready for sex. But this belief is far from what is true for a lot of people.
Why this matters: Knowing what's natural for you and your partner can end self-judgement and feeling like something is wrong with you.
The truth is that everyone has their own way of taking in, processing and responding to sexual cues.
There are two main classifications of desire which are Spontaneous Desire and Responsive Desire.
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โ๐ฅSpontaneous Desire: This would be the hot and ready category. You are highly reactive to sexual cues. The cue then triggers the arousal system very fast and you are turned on. Desire leads to arousal.
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โ๐งจResponsive Desire: This is the slow burn. It can take multiple sexual cues to trigger your arousal system and turn-on needs time and space to warm up. Context/stimulation leads to arousal which then leads to desire.
Spontaneous Desire in action can look like being turned on easily by random outside stimulus. So there you are watching a show and someone looks really sexy. You get turned on and are aroused and potentially ready for sexual activity.
Responsive Desire in action can look like you taking in many sexual cues such as seeing the sexy person in the show, feeling the warm caress of your partner, noticing that your partner is interested in engaging in sex or intimacy, then you get aroused or turned on.
Which desire framework describes YOU best?
One isn't better than the other! There is also a stereotype that men are naturally in the Spontaneous Desire category and women are naturally in the Responsive Desire category. Not always and this can change with age, health, hormones and stress.
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Keep in mind that even though most of us can identify with one desire framework in general, desire can shift depending upon the context.
Set and setting can also influence feeling more spontaneous or responsive, like being on vacation vs being at home in a familiar surrounding. The important thing to keep in mind is that the way you respond to sexual cues can be different at different times.
And- just because you feel aroused, doesn't mean you need to act on or have no control over it. You can still choose how or if you want to express it.
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๐ฅSo, if sex has dwindled in your relationship or if you and your partner seem to be missing each others sexual cues, knowing each others desire framework will give you more to work with when it come to creating an environment that can nurture more sensual/sexual energy between you and your partner.
๐If you're single, these insights can help you in your next relationship or erotic encounter. Knowing yourself equals being more and more sexually empowered!
๐ฏIf you've read through the last two newsletters, you know we talked about the importance of understanding your Core Erotic Theme (CET) and The Four Cornerstones of Eroticism.
Knowing your desire framework is another layer of erotic insight that can help increase sexual satisfaction for you and your partner!
You can read more about how your desire framework impacts your CET and which of the four cornerstones of eroticism fits YOU by clicking here
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